Category: Reflections

In between worlds

The last few days in Vancouver before our flight to Shanghai felt like a crazy whirlwind. In an unexpected turn of events, we received an email the day of our flight informing us essentially that my husband could not fly. We scrambled to confirm with various people that myself and our three kids would still be allowed to enter China without him as our visas depended on his. Before we knew it, we were at the YVR airport checking in. Exhausted and stressed out, we hastily said our goodbyes and got in line to pass through security. Almost 24 hours later, we arrived at our quarantine hotel in Shanghai.

Though to many, this time in quarantine is an unwelcomed inconvenience, this time for me is a gift from above. I need sleep. I need recovery. I need to hit the reset button. This past month, I’ve been so busy packing and dealing with administrative tasks that I have not had enough time to prepare emotionally.

Stepping into my quarantine room and closing that door to the world, I finally had permission to digest the fact that I was here without my husband, and to grieve all the things that I am leaving behind, while looking to the future with all my hopes and dreams.

And so, I started journaling again. Having recently gone through the process of digitizing all my old journals, re-reading entries about falling in love, getting married, moving overseas, having my first child, and so on, I have come to realize again just how good it is to journal. I was beginning to see how each event doesn’t just shape me to become who I am today, but also sets me on a path to who I want to be tomorrow.

My goal during quarantine is to take advantage of this time in between worlds, to ponder the unanswered questions of my life, and to intentionally process through the good and the bad parts of me and see what I can learn. It will take time and courage, but I believe it will be time well spent. May I come out of this time stronger, healthier, and in a place to give more of myself to others.

We ourselves are “saved to save” – we are made to give – to let everything go if only we may have more to give. The pebble takes in the rays of the light that falls on it, but the diamond flashes them out again: every little facet is means, not simply of drinking more in, but of giving more out.

L. Trotter

Life, better than a jigsaw puzzle

Sitting down on my couch, in front of a large wooden coffee table, I set to work on a new jigsaw puzzle – a vibrant array of colourful flowers interspersed with delightful slices of citrus fruits. The first task at hand is to find all the border pieces, easily distinguishable by their one flat side. In no time at all, a pile forms in the center of the table. As I start to put the pieces together, it becomes apparent that this puzzle, though varied in colour throughout, may not be as easy as it appears. Strings of pieces have formed, but they do not connect and a number of single pieces lay idly beside. The realization comes upon me that I must have put some wrong pieces together. I hunker down, examining each piece more carefully and sift through the box for more side pieces. I am determined to take on the challenge and finish the border before I get up off my couch again.

Each time I settle down in front of the puzzle, I set to work on a different colour or section. I take delight in having a goal and accomplishing it. I reflect on my life and ponder why it is that I often lack the motivation and confidence to tackle life, one piece at a time. To be honest, on most days I drudge through life, procrastinating on things I have to get done, weighed down by feelings of stress and anxiety. And yet despite my struggles, somehow things eventually work out, and even better than imagined. It’s as if some mystic force is at work, working things out for our good.

One such example is my experience with homeschooling my youngest son, Jonah. He went to preschool for two years and though his teachers were wonderful, he failed to learn his alphabet well at all. Not being ready for kindergarten in the US, I reluctantly took on homeschooling him instead. It was one of the most painful years for the both of us and there were many times that I felt like crying, frustrated much more with myself than him, that I neither had the patience nor the talent to teach my son what some 3 year olds could pick up with such ease. But we survived somehow and made it through. The following year, we started phonics and learning how to read. Again, it was a struggle and we made little progress though it was hard work for the both of us. When fall came this school year, I dreaded homeschooling and seriously worried what would happen if my son never learned to read. But he did. It started slow but with time, he started to gain confidence and his interest in reading just grew on it’s own. My heart is so full as I now gaze at my son sitting on our couch reading, with a big smile on his face. I never wanted to homeschool and never thought I could do it. But this experience with helping my own son learn to read, I will surely treasure for the rest of my life.

And so I have to say that life is better than a jigsaw puzzle. You may not know what picture you will end up with, and it may take a whole lot more perseverance and faith to keep on going. But in the end, if you submit yourself to the will of the maker and stay the course, the picture will simply blow you away.

In less than a month, our family will be making a major move. We are moving to China. There are definitely things that worry us, like how we will deal with our family’s medical needs, or how our kids will be able to make friends now that the majority of expat families have left China. My faith in the big picture will be tested, I’m sure. And when I start feeling anxious, I remind myself to just take it one piece at a time, anchored on my faith that there is a purpose for everything.